Rose Reviews: Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel S.F Heller
☆☆☆☆☆
This was a seminal book for me in my journey in relationships - it absolutely changed the game for me, and also my relationship for the better. Attachment styles have become a hot topic on social media over the last few years, though the theory has been around for decades. Even so, I find it an extremely helpful framing device for anxiety in relationships and how we can show up in a healthy way both for ourselves and the person we’re with.
This relatively short and punchy book gives a crash course in attachment theory, specifically attachment styles. So what are attachment styles? During early childhood, attachment styles are borne from how children and parents interact. In adulthood, attachment styles describe attachment patterns in romantic relationships (which usually reflect the attachment patterns from childhood).
Levine and Heller describe four types of attachment styles:
Secure - the securely attached person can self-soothe but also seeks comfort from others; balances intimacy and autonomy; prioritises both their own needs and their partner’s, and tends to have a positive view of themselves and others. This style is quite balanced and is what we should ideally aim for in relationships. Nobody is 100% secure but it’s a noble goal!
Anxious - also called anxious/preoccupied, the anxiously attached person tends to be more self-doubting, dependent and demanding in relationships due to a fear of abandonment. This can manifest in controlling or manipulative behaviours. They tend to have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others.
Avoidant - also called dismissive, the avoidantly attached person tends to be highly independent, may struggle with commitment and emotional intimacy, and fears being trapped or hurt by others. They tend to have a fairly positive view of themselves and a negative view of others.
Disorganised - also called fearful avoidance, this attachment style is a fun blend of anxious and avoidant traits. The disorganised attached person tends to have a simultaneous desire and fear of intimacy and commitment, fearing both abandonment and being trapped. They may have a negative view of themselves and negative view of others.
As someone who identifies as having a fearful avoidant attachment style for most of my life but has done a lot of work to move towards secure, I’m happy to say that it appears that attachment styles are malleable. You may lean towards a different attachment style depending on who you’re with, or the circumstances going on in your life - if you’re with someone who leans avoidant, you may lean anxious to compensate; you may lean more avoidant in relationships if you were recently hurt, or you may lean anxious if there’s a lot of uncertainty in your life at that time. The good news is that, with work, any attachment style can become secure.
What’s particularly interesting in this book is the description of the anxious-avoidant dance. This is a very common dynamic in romantic relationships which tends to lead to high conflict. It describes there often being a ‘pursuer’ in the relationship (the anxious attacher) and a distancer (who may be more avoidant). The pursuer tends to seek growth and connection more than the distancer, and will be more sensitive to the natural ebbs and flows of connection in the relationship and subconsciously flag them as a threat (fear of abandonment). The more the pursuer tries to force closeness, often with a powerful subconscious belief that they will only feel okay again if they can get their partner’s attention (which isn’t necessarily true), the more the distancer pulls away or dismisses (fear of being trapped). This push-and-pull dynamic triggers anxiety in both people, and happens because the nervous system of each partner is conditioned to find safety in the exact ways that trigger a lack of safety in the other. High emotions from the anxious attacher triggers deactivation from the avoidant, which heightens the anxious attacher, and the cycle continues until there’s total connection breakdown.
I found myself veering into this dynamic with my partner early on in our relationship. Reading this book, I realised that in order to change my relationship, I needed to change myself. It helped me recognise my anxious and avoidant patterns and my triggers, and that, in order to move towards secure, I needed to prioritise myself and de-centre my partner in my life (in a healthy way) while also getting curious about my fears and supporting myself to feel comfortable with commitment. It has massively changed my relationship for the better and I wholly recommend this book to anyone, whether you’re in a relationship or not, as a jumping-off point into the complex realm of attachment and relationships.