Rose Recommends: 5 Tips for Conflict
I’m sure I’m not alone in hating conflict. As a child and throughout my early twenties, it was something I sought to avoid. I’d internalised conflict as inherently bad, shameful, an indicator that there was a problem or that somebody was morally in the wrong (eep - was it me?!). As I’ve moved through life, I’ve realised that things aren’t so black and white. Sometimes, conflict is unavoidable. Sometimes, avoiding conflict hurts both you and others. Sometimes, conflict just happens. That doesn’t necessarily mean we should seek out conflict - there’s a balance of knowing what to let go, and what to address.
The fact is, conflict isn’t fun. It can be uncomfortable and painful. But it’s essential for growth, for creating boundaries and living authentically. If done healthily, conflict can actually cultivate a lot of connection to others, as well as self-trust.
I’m by no means perfect at conflict (who is?), but I’ve come a long way in the last few years, gathering some tools and techniques along the way that may be helpful to others.
5 tips for conflict
Notice when you have a strong, sudden emotion. I’ve found a helpful first step is to notice the trigger - ie. a sudden, strong, often negative emotion in response to something - and take a moment to consider why. This makes it easier to communicate what is going on for me and what I need from the other person in that moment. Addressing the issue immediately may not be helpful - try waiting for the emotion to pass through you before bringing it up, and asking the person if they’re okay to talk about it first. It doesn’t mean your emotions aren’t valid, but high emotions are more likely to put the other person on the defence and lead to less productive conflict.
Remember the 3 most common deeper issues beneath relationship arguments. Ester Perel has pointed out the 3 main reasons beneath most arguments with other people. Understanding why you’re triggered can help you communicate your feelings to the other person and what you need from them. The 3 big reasons are:
POWER AND CONTROL – who makes most decisions? Whose priorities matter most? Who has the power? What is fair?
CARE AND CLOSENESS – can I trust you? Do you have my best interest at heart? Do you care about me?
RESPECT AND RECOGNITION – do you value me? Do you recognise what I do? Do I matter?
Try the ‘Non-Violent Communication’ (NVC) Method. The name may sound intimidating, but this is essentially a way of framing a complaint into a request rather than a criticism, in a way that is clear, assertive, empathetic and non-judgmental. The NVC method looks a bit like a mathematical formula:
“I feel A when you do B, because C. I need D”.
Example: “I feel anxious when you don’t text me that you’re coming home late, because I worry something has happened to you. I need you to send me a quick text so that I can relax knowing that you’re okay.”
Use a rating system for arguments and compromise. They say relationships are about compromise, and it’s true that a lot of conflict arises from clashing priorities and agendas. When trying to find a compromise, it can actually be helpful to RATE how much you’re emotionally upset by the issue (1-10) and how much you care about the issue (1-10). It may be that the person who cares less about the issue compromises this time. Of course, this relies on trusting each other to be honest in your ratings!
Take a break. This wasn’t natural for me in conflict - my default is to want to talk it out until everything is resolved - but I’ve learnt that taking a break during conflict can be useful as it allows us to come down from our triggered, emotionally aroused state and access more executive functioning (clear, rational thinking). It’s like ‘sobering up’. The person who withdraws should hold the responsibility to come back and resume the discussion, ideally putting some expectations and timescales around it.
These tips aren’t foolproof - conflict is inherently difficult and often messy, despite our best efforts - but I’ve found these are useful tools to have in the toolbox the next time you find yourself in conflict, whether it be with a friend, romantic partner, flatmate or even a colleague. Good luck!