When does self-help become unhelpful?
Self-help has been around for thousands of years, the earliest recording of a self-help book being in Ancient Egypt. It has been loved (and hated) as a genre for just as long, even though it remains the bestselling genre of book in the world to this day.
I feel like it’s become a particularly hot topic over the last few years, since the pandemic and the ultimate progenitor of pop psychology, Tiktok, burst onto the scene. Now the ‘clean girl’ (somebody who takes care of themselves) is cool and terms like ‘attachment styles’, ‘narcissism’ and ‘boundaries’ have pervaded our everyday vernacular. As someone who loves self-help as a genre, I agree with critics that self-help can – sometimes – be unhelpful.
Like many classically Type-A, perfectionistic people, my subconscious strategy for life is self-improvement and personal growth. For me, this manifested in pursuing academic excellence during my teens and early twenties, which I managed to do (at the expense of my wellbeing, probably, but that’s a different story). After I finished academia, there was a void. I was pretty burnt out initially, so that void felt quite pleasant at first. Then I made a friend – a fellow type as described above – who introduced me to personality types and challenged me to reflect on why I was the way I was. I’d never really done that before – school and uni had always been a source of external validation and a worthy distraction from looking inwards. But now there was no more distraction. No more easy excuses.
It was reading up about personality types – MBTI, specifically – that kickstarted my personal development journey. Over the years, this has since evolved into taking up exercise, a meditation practice, journalling, therapy, reading self-help books, getting into coaching/psychotherapy training, the works.
And honestly, I love this stuff. I love learning and applying psychological theories, connecting deeply with people and supporting them on their journey, analysing myself and others as a way of improving my relationships, managing anxiety and navigating existential dilemmas that many of us seem to share.
But recently I had a bout of fear – my fearful avoidance from childhood rearing its head unexpectedly, in response to a very positive thing. I didn’t understand it, and it made me deeply uncomfortable. So, in an attempt to get a grip on the situation, I picked up a bunch of books, scheduled a therapy session and overanalysed myself like a pseudo-psychiatrist, compulsively scouring the internet for information, validation, confirmation of my fear and for answers.
When I said all of this to my coach, she pointed out the obvious. I was using personal development content to ‘fix’ myself and avoid discomfort. And was it helping? Absolutely not.
So, I pivoted away from self-help content that was causing fear and instead consumed content that was about accepting it. Sure enough, after reading Pema Chodron’s book, I was able to sit with my fear and watch it gradually dissolve.
The point is, if you’re into personal development like me, it might be helpful to take stock of why you’re consuming the content that you’re consuming. When personal development becomes about ‘fixing’ yourself rather than trying to understand yourself better, you might become more deeply entrenched in old patterns like perfectionism and not feeling good enough. Self-understanding breeds self-compassion, while ‘fixing’ yourself stems from fear.
Another way that self-help can be unhelpful is if we overconsume it. I’ve found that I have a finite bandwidth for personal development content. I tend to go through phases where I read lots of books, listen to podcasts and do lots of self-reflection, particularly when I’m doing a lot of coaching or in the depths of my psychotherapy training – and then I burn out. Hard. My brain gets overloaded and I become allergic to anything vaguely personal development-related, to the point where I can’t pick up another book without wanting to throw it across the room.
Self-help content can be a great thing. It can validate our experience, give us new perspectives and tools, and help us connect deeply with others on a similar journey. But some of this content subconsciously implies that there is a ‘correct’ or better way to do things, which may or may not be true. This content satisfies the analytical part of our brain that is constantly seeking improvement and finding solutions to problems, but it can easily overstimulate us and send us into spirals of overthinking. A friend of mine said that ‘a strength overused turns into a weakness’. If you have an analytical, deep-thinking mind and love personal development, that might well be true.
These days, I monitor how much personal development and psychology content I’m consuming, proactively alternating it with fun, light content, like a comedy podcast or a fiction book, in an attempt to balance it out. I also check in how I’m feeling when I’m consuming it. Do I feel intrigued and motivated? Or do I simply feel anxious and overwhelmed? If the latter, I’m probably veering into unhealthy overconsumption and burnout.
So, if you’re into personal development like me, it might be helpful to check in with yourself: what is the intention behind reading that book or listening to that podcast? Is there a practical reason for it (i.e. to gain a better understanding of yourself, others or a theoretical concept)? Or are you trying to ‘fix’ something within yourself, validate a fear or fuel an anxious belief that you could always do better? Equally, do you intrigued and motivated when consuming this content, or do you feel overwhelmed and anxious?
Being conscious of our intention behind consuming self-help content and the way it makes us feel means we can help ourselves in a more sustainable, healthy way. This helps to avoid burnout and potentially increase our tolerance for discomfort and imperfection, if that’s something you struggle with.
I’m not saying self-help is bad. I’m a big fan of it and think there’s an enormous amount of growth to be had by investing time and energy in your own personal development journey. While it’s usually an act of self-care, if you’re a perfectionist like me, self-help can veer into the unhealthy pretty quickly. If you resonated with this, know that you are not alone!