Rally or rest? The dance of compassion and self-discipline
I’ve always been a very self-disciplined person. My core operating system is set on ACHIEVE, for reasons not entirely known. I’m a cliché - high achieving, overthinking, perfectionistic, academic, curious, always striving, always seeking.
It's a double-edged sword. My achievements give me confidence. But then, there’s always something more to do, goalposts to hit that someone (me) is constantly moving. It makes me restless, hard on myself. It’s a bit of a Sisyphus situation, if I’m being dramatic about it.
The ‘Rally and Rest’ Paradigm
Enter the ‘rally and rest’ paradigm. Carrot and stick. The delicate balance of knowing when to let yourself off the hook (rest) and when to hold yourself accountable (rally).
It’s a seesaw - some of us lean too much into the ‘rest’ and may feel miserable and stagnant. Others go too far the other way, holding ourselves accountable to the point of neuroticism and burnout.
An Experiment
After a period of intense rally in 2024 (I finished a coaching diploma, ran a half-marathon, got engaged, took new projects on at work), I was overwhelmed. While these were all good things, I felt burnt out, like there was a constant weight on my chest and making the smallest life decisions felt impossible. Yet there was an intense internal pressure to be doing things – booking that holiday, building that portfolio, planning that wedding, etc – and to be doing it quickly. In the end, I accepted what was happening and gave in to the overwhelm.
I took 3 months off at the end of last year. Not from work, but from productivity. I metaphorically removed myself from the hook. No wedding or trip planning, no therapy, coaching. Nada. And let me tell you, I felt like I could breathe.
While it gave me energy to take long-delayed action in the new year, it also demonstrated to my nervous system that nothing bad was going to happen if I didn’t achieve X life thing by a certain point. What a revelation!
There are times in life to be present and still and restful. But now I realise there are also times in life to push. Knowing when to do either is a dance I haven’t quite mastered, but if you’re also struggling to figure out the balance of rest and rally, I have a few tips.
First, try asking yourself these questions:
Think of that seesaw. Do I have a tendency to be lazy, or do I have a tendency to over-achieve?
Do I feel like I’m running towards a goal, or running away from a fear?
How beneficial is this action or goal to me?
For example, I always hold myself accountable to exercising and eating well, because I know it has huge benefits for my wellbeing. However, this year I let myself off the hook for making crafty, personalised Christmas gifts for my family – and, unsurprisingly, it didn’t actually matter in the end.
What are helpful boundaries for me?
For example, I don’t work on personal/work stuff over the weekend as far as possible. You might aim to only socialise two nights a week, or turn your phone off at a certain time. It’s helpful for these boundaries to have flex so that you can stay adaptable to changing circumstances.
Show yourself compassion!
This applies whether you lean lazy or over-productive, or somewhere in the middle. I recommend Compassion-Focussed Therapy for Dummies every day of the week to help with this: Compassion-Focussed Therapy for Dummies
Knowing when to rally and rest isn’t easy. It depends on your personal tendencies and the circumstances you encounter in life. It’s one of the many dances that we’ll all be doing – clumsily, no doubt – for our entire lives, but being aware of the dance at all is the first step to navigating it much more smoothly.
For the over-achievers – try taking yourself off the hook for a while and see what happens! It’s not as scary as you think – I promise :)